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From the Humorous Mind of JerseyJohn

A humorous piece from my dear late friend, JerseyJohn. If you are a fan of the classic film, "West Side Story," you will enjoy this:

Funeral services have been scheduled for Anton Wyzek, 19, who died of a single gunshot wound over ten days ago but whose body has been retained by the police pending the results of an on-going investigation. In a brief press conference at the precinct early yesterday morning, police spokesman Humpty Krupke stated that the investigation had been completed and the Department was satisfied that the initial arrest of Mr. Chino Martino would indeed result in an indictment, and ultimately a conviction. Initially, according to Sergeant Krupke, an anonymous tip had been received, indicating that Anton Wyzek's death was the result of a conspiracy, possibly a Mob hit for hire. The tipster had implicated Mr. Larry Kert as the leader of the conspiracy, which allegedly was made up of several handsome young men with trained voices who wanted Mr. Wyzek "out of the way once and for all."

"Mr. Kert's alibi held up," Sergeant Krupke told reporters. "He was in Poughkeepsie doing Brigadoon. Or maybe he was in Brigadoon doing Poughkeepsie. Anyways, there ain't nothing to the conspiracy story. Though," he added, "I'd-a gotten a big boot outta meeting Elvis Presley. Can't have everything." "We suspicion the job was not done by a bunch of singers," Officer Krupke concluded. Mr. Wyzek's murder will therefore be charged to Mr. Martino, who is awaiting arraignment in Sing Sing, and who is allegedly part of a love triangle involving his own fiancée and Mr. Wyzek. The third party, Maria Nunez of Manhattan, was informed of Chino Martino's arrest, but she declined the opportunity to pay a visit to the jail to see him. "When I look at Chino, nothing happens," she said decisively. Miss Nunez was briefly suspected of Mr. Wyzek's murder, since her fingerprints were the only ones lifted from the murder weapon. However she was acquitted when police determined that she did not know how the pull a trigger without someone showing her. Although police officers had immediately rushed to the scene of the crime, Mr. Wyzek's body was ultimately carried to the morgue, not by medical or law-enforcement personnel, but by five or six gang members who dropped him several times along the way. Miss Nunez gave a fond history of her relationship with her star- crossed boyfriend. She spoke from the parlor of her modest apartment, wearing a charming white dress with a plunging neckline. "Tony was the most thoughtful boy," she remarked, recalling the highlights of their twenty-six hour courtship. "He would take me to—" She paused, frowning. "Well, actually, he never took me anywhere. But he would bring me—well, no, I guess he never bought me anything either." She glanced into the kitchen, where her father, Papa Nunez, a local shopkeeper and Off-screen Voice, was having a cup of tea. "Well," she began again. "He loved to play games. For instance, that afternoon, he came to the bridal shop where I work and we played Wedding. And then that night he came to my room and we played Honeymoon." She smiled in private reminiscence. "As long as he didn't try to sing, he was wonderful. Or act," she added hastily, remembering. Mr. Wyzek is survived by his mother, Mrs. Gert Wyzek-Robinson, and a half-sister Elaine Robinson. Mr. Wyzek's mother recalled his high spirits and optimism. "He went around the house for several days telling me, `Something's coming, Ma, something's coming.' He was sure that something was coming. I don't figure he guessed that what was coming was a bullet in his gut. Boy, I bet that surprised him, you think?" Mrs. Wyzek-Robinson is planning to move to California to join her estranged second husband, Crusoe Robinson of Beverly Hills. "Too much killing in this city," she declared. "I want Elaine to grow up in a good neighborhood, maybe meet a nice boy with a promising future." Funeral services are scheduled for Tuesday at The Birth to Earth Cathedral on Amsterdam Avenue at 10.00 a.m. A small private reception will follow, hosted by famed singing artists Milli Vanilli.


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